Dear Unwanted Advice Columnist-

I feel like everyone around me is accomplishing big things, and I’m just stuck. What’s the secret to being successful?

Sincerely,
Waiting for My Big Break

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Dear Waiting,

The secret to success is simple: Consistently wake up at 5 AM, drink green smoothies, make a list of goals, and somehow, magically, everything will fall into place. Oh, and don’t forget to have a side hustle. Or two. Or three. Also, maybe be naturally gifted at something. I hear being born a genius helps. But in the meantime, just keep comparing yourself to other people on social media—it’s the healthiest thing you can do for your mental health. Who needs a real plan when you can have that sweet, sweet scrolling dopamine, right?

You’ve got this,
The Unwanted Advice Columnist
(Just kidding. You’re fine.)